Trying to finish my life.
On treating my life like a task list and what I'm learning about actually being here.
Welcome to issue #047 of Unsubscribe. Each week, I send one essay that helps you step off the default path to build a life you love, supported by work you enjoy.
A few months ago, I was looking back through my calendar, trying to figure out when Jennifer and I had been on a specific vacation.
I scrolled back through four months. Then six. And when I finally found the vacation, I couldn’t help but notice the thousands upon thousands of completed tasks on my calendar. Meetings checked off. Workouts logged. Content written and published. Newsletters sent.
There was so much stuff that I’d done. The problem was that I couldn’t remember much of it.
I mean, I knew it happened. The calendar obviously proved it. But when I tried to recall specific experiences from those thousands of tasks, I came up with way fewer than I should have. Conversations that stuck with me? Workouts where I actually felt something? Meals I actually tasted? Not many.
It was mostly just a blur of completed checkboxes.
The sad reality is that I’ve often treated my life like a task list. And for the past sixteen years, I’ve been rushing through it as fast as possible.
I’m 44 now. Success in my career (and eventually entrepreneurship) started at age 28 when I moved to New York City.
That was sixteen years ago. And from the outside, it looks like I’ve done a lot. I’ve helped build two billion-dollar healthcare companies, launched a successful business with Jennifer, grown a newsletter to 175,000 subscribers, created courses, and made more money than I ever thought I would.
I’ve also lived in New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Boston, Nashville, and many other really amazing places.
But the scary part is that I can barely remember much of it because I was so focused on completing the next thing that I never fully experienced the thing I was doing.
I was always three tasks ahead in my mind. Finishing coffee so I could get to the workout. Finishing the workout so I could get to content. Finishing content so I could get to the newsletter. Finishing the newsletter so I could get to dinner. Finishing dinner so I could go to bed, wake up, and do it all over again.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped experiencing my life and started completing it.
And those sixteen years went by in what feels like sixteen months.
The scary part isn’t that I’ve been doing this. It’s that I might keep doing it for the next sixteen years.
I could wake up at 60 and look back at my entire adult life and realize that a big chunk of it was a series of tasks I completed. That I had fewer experiences than I’d like to remember and fewer moments where I was fully present.
That’s the most depressing thought I’ve had in a long time.
Because what’s the point of building a successful business, writing a newsletter people love, or making good money if you’re not actually there for much of it?
You’re just completing your way through your one life.
I’m not going to tell you I’ve fixed this. I haven’t. And I don’t know that you can really fully fix it anyway.
But about a year ago, I started noticing when I was trying to complete things instead of experiencing them.
I started with small things. Leaving my phone in the other room during coffee. Actually tasting my food instead of eating to finish. Taking walks without listening to podcasts.
But the bigger shift has been in how I think about my work.
I started this Substack because I wanted to write for the sake of being creative. Not to hit a word count or check off a task or grow to a certain number of subscribers. I just want to write and see what comes out.
I’ve also been trying to stay off social media more. Not because I need a break, but because scrolling social media is just another way to distract myself from being present.
And with Jennifer, I’ve been working really hard to be fully there when we’re together. Not thinking about the next thing or checking my phone. Just being with her when we’re walking the dogs, watching TV, or having dinner.
Some days I can do it. And some days I still catch myself rushing to the finish line.
I’m not going to lie and say my life is suddenly different overnight. It’s not.
I still try to complete things constantly. I still find myself mentally three tasks ahead. I still look at my calendar and see a blur of checkboxes. That’s because I’m a do’er. A taskmaster at heart, and always have been.
But now I notice when I’m doing it. And some days, I stop myself.
Last week, Jennifer and I were watching a show (The Beast In Me — highly recommend), and I realized I was fully there. I wasn’t thinking about work or mentally planning tomorrow in my head. I was just fully immersed in the show, watching and talking about it with her. And when one of the episodes ended, she said, “That was really nice.” And I realized that she must have noticed that I was present and engaged for an entire hour.
A few weeks ago, I was writing this newsletter issue, and I wasn’t trying to finish. I was just writing because I was enjoying the creative moment and the pleasure of the topic. Three hours passed without me checking the clock once.
I’ve been in LA the past week, so yesterday I was fortunate enough to walk in the beautiful weather. And I did it without my phone. I just walked around, noticed beautiful things, and felt engaged. Not because anything particularly interesting happened, but because I was actually immersed in my surroundings.
These are small wins for someone actively trying to be more present. And that’s the whole point.
If you’re like me and you’ve treated your life like a task list, it’s going to blow by as a series of checkboxes. There will have been significantly fewer moments where you were fully present. And in their place will be things you completed so you could move on to the next thing.
And one day you’re going to look back at your calendar and realize you don’t remember as much of it as you should.
That’s the thought that scares me. And if I’m being honest, it’s probably the thought that scares you, too.
So here’s what I want you to do. Look back at your calendar from the past three months. Scroll through all those completed tasks. And ask yourself:
How many of those can you actually remember?
If the answer is “not as many as I’d like,” then maybe it’s time to stop completing your life and start experiencing it.
Leave a comment and tell me. I read every response.
I appreciate your time.
Do you struggle with this problem at all? Leave a comment and tell me.
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I think part of it is the culture in the US about working like crazy, mechanically for years. Obsessed with productivity until one day you can retire when you're old and start enjoying life. I've read this is starting to change with younger generations who are spending their money in meaningful and valuable experiences.
Really enjoyed this one, Justin. Love how intentionally you reflect on yourself whether it’s work related or family related.
My first tattoo was “Be Here Now.” I originally learned the phrase ten years ago watching the documentary about Andy Whitfield.
I then went on to see the relationship the phrase had with Ram Daas and Buddhist practices. It’s my visual reminder every day - I see it most when I’m driving - just to be.
Hope you and Jen have plenty of moments “to be” this December.