I think far too often people forget that we directly control the expectations of others. Put yourself back in the driver's seat and take extreme ownership of that.
1/ When my daughters (early 20s) act spoiled or rude and I call them on it, they say, “You raised me. Too late to complain now.” OUCH. I need a good comeback.
2/ I saw a sign, “Watch the energy you bring into this space, for I will match it & send it back.” (Sort of a parallel to your point.)
Learning not to get taken advantage of has been the hardest thing for me. Thank you for this perspective (and to your wife for giving rise to it!).
Thanks, Amanda! I still struggle with this, to be honest, but I’ve gotten about 100x better at it over the years. I used to have no idea how to say no. Now I feel confident in doing it.
This is Gold! The lowest common denominator here is simply saying "no". And THEN re-purposing the life we're meant to live, whatever that looks like - with the realization that there is no need to justify any of it to anyone. We choose because we had a choice - full stop.
Thank you for sharing this, it’s a great piece. One thing that comes to mind is how people-pleasing can go back to a deep, unconscious habit of abandoning ourselves. Often, this behavior develops in childhood to protect us from criticism, by hiding who we truly are.
But if we don’t show up as our authentic selves, how can we expect others to truly see us? There are deep-rooted fears behind this, a whole rabbit hole to explore.
Mine was, for sure, rooted in people pleasing. It still is to an extent. For me, it's been all about building systems that make saying no a lot easier.
Saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. This is gold! Thanks, Justin. I am very good about setting boundaries, but am also notoriously very quick to respond to everybody and need to be better about that.
PS - Do your sessions in your paid Unsubscribe membership get recorded? I wanted to watch the one happening today about AI, but will miss it due to some calls.
Yes, it’s true! The worst part is that sometimes we just want to be good, better than we are, by helping others, fooling ourselves in the process… and then we end up having to untrain people that.
Yep. And this doesn’t mean you can’t help people or make exceptions. It’s all about making sure you don’t find yourself overcommitted to things you don’t really like doing.
I know the comment section isn’t meant for long discussions, but this topic is really interesting. Sometimes you don’t even realize that your help is being taken for granted. You make an effort, but the other person either doesn’t appreciate it or sees it differently, thinking you’re just being helpful (exactly as you wrote in your post). And here’s the dilemma for me: how do you avoid coming off as rude? Sure, you can say no to everyone, but you still want to remain helpful.
It’s a great question: I have a “no” template that I’ve put together that I use to say no in a way that people understand, doesn’t hurt their feelings, and doesn’t come across as rude. I rely very heavily on it.
I remember one of my members cancelled his $600 monthly subscription for one to one advice once. I asked him why he cancelled and he said because I wasn't getting on a call with him everyday like I used to.
I explained to him that when he signed up I'd promised him I'd get on a call with him everyday only for the first month by which time his subscription would more than pay for itself (which it did) so I did keep my end of the deal.
He responded by saying to me: You tell others how to treat you by your actions and not your words.
I learned an important lesson that day @Justin Welsh
Key is leverage. At the beginning of your career, corporate or entrepreneurial, you don't have much of a leverage, you have to say yes often (i.e. suck it up). Later you can say "no" more often when you have gained more leverage.
When i made my preferred mode of communication to email only. A lot of student's didn't like it initially. However everybody adjusted after a while and those people who required a call-back are still waiting and are probably not worth it.
I’ve utilized this golden-rulesque behavior in recent years. It’s been effective in my personal and professional spheres in that remarkably, who and what sloughs off almost immediately, feels a lot like karma.
As a recovering people pleaser (very much still a work in progress!), this was a poignant reminder. Such a great lesson to reflect on and keep in mind.
I think far too often people forget that we directly control the expectations of others. Put yourself back in the driver's seat and take extreme ownership of that.
Great mindset shift Justin. I wrote in a previous post about how one of the most productive 'hacks' you can follow is simply being able to say 'no'.
Yep. The day I learned to confidently say no, was the day I freed myself up for so much more time.
Good stuff. Makes me think of 2 things:
1/ When my daughters (early 20s) act spoiled or rude and I call them on it, they say, “You raised me. Too late to complain now.” OUCH. I need a good comeback.
2/ I saw a sign, “Watch the energy you bring into this space, for I will match it & send it back.” (Sort of a parallel to your point.)
Learning not to get taken advantage of has been the hardest thing for me. Thank you for this perspective (and to your wife for giving rise to it!).
Cheer- 💌
Thanks, Amanda! I still struggle with this, to be honest, but I’ve gotten about 100x better at it over the years. I used to have no idea how to say no. Now I feel confident in doing it.
This is Gold! The lowest common denominator here is simply saying "no". And THEN re-purposing the life we're meant to live, whatever that looks like - with the realization that there is no need to justify any of it to anyone. We choose because we had a choice - full stop.
That’s right. We don’t need to justify. We just need to feel firm and confident in our choices.
Thank you for sharing this, it’s a great piece. One thing that comes to mind is how people-pleasing can go back to a deep, unconscious habit of abandoning ourselves. Often, this behavior develops in childhood to protect us from criticism, by hiding who we truly are.
But if we don’t show up as our authentic selves, how can we expect others to truly see us? There are deep-rooted fears behind this, a whole rabbit hole to explore.
Mine was, for sure, rooted in people pleasing. It still is to an extent. For me, it's been all about building systems that make saying no a lot easier.
Some of my best learning has come from my smart and beautiful wife in one or two sentences.
Saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. This is gold! Thanks, Justin. I am very good about setting boundaries, but am also notoriously very quick to respond to everybody and need to be better about that.
PS - Do your sessions in your paid Unsubscribe membership get recorded? I wanted to watch the one happening today about AI, but will miss it due to some calls.
Always recorded and available on the homepage under “previous workshops”
Yes, it’s true! The worst part is that sometimes we just want to be good, better than we are, by helping others, fooling ourselves in the process… and then we end up having to untrain people that.
Yep. And this doesn’t mean you can’t help people or make exceptions. It’s all about making sure you don’t find yourself overcommitted to things you don’t really like doing.
I know the comment section isn’t meant for long discussions, but this topic is really interesting. Sometimes you don’t even realize that your help is being taken for granted. You make an effort, but the other person either doesn’t appreciate it or sees it differently, thinking you’re just being helpful (exactly as you wrote in your post). And here’s the dilemma for me: how do you avoid coming off as rude? Sure, you can say no to everyone, but you still want to remain helpful.
It’s a great question: I have a “no” template that I’ve put together that I use to say no in a way that people understand, doesn’t hurt their feelings, and doesn’t come across as rude. I rely very heavily on it.
Oh, right! I saw this one either on your LinkedIn or in the LinkedIn OS course/ Newsletter!
What Jennifer said to you stung but was so true.
I remember one of my members cancelled his $600 monthly subscription for one to one advice once. I asked him why he cancelled and he said because I wasn't getting on a call with him everyday like I used to.
I explained to him that when he signed up I'd promised him I'd get on a call with him everyday only for the first month by which time his subscription would more than pay for itself (which it did) so I did keep my end of the deal.
He responded by saying to me: You tell others how to treat you by your actions and not your words.
I learned an important lesson that day @Justin Welsh
A good lesson learned!
Absolutely. The painful lessons are often the best ones.
I've doubled my prices since then and I focus on value delivered not hours.
Key is leverage. At the beginning of your career, corporate or entrepreneurial, you don't have much of a leverage, you have to say yes often (i.e. suck it up). Later you can say "no" more often when you have gained more leverage.
When i made my preferred mode of communication to email only. A lot of student's didn't like it initially. However everybody adjusted after a while and those people who required a call-back are still waiting and are probably not worth it.
Help build a better future by fostering better builders.
Yes! Every interaction is a tiny training session.
I’ve utilized this golden-rulesque behavior in recent years. It’s been effective in my personal and professional spheres in that remarkably, who and what sloughs off almost immediately, feels a lot like karma.
As a recovering people pleaser (very much still a work in progress!), this was a poignant reminder. Such a great lesson to reflect on and keep in mind.
Being assertive and setting clear boundaries has been a huge struggle for me.
Here are some resources that have helped:
-set boundaries, find peace (book)
-Start with no (book)
-Writing out my ideal schedule (activity)
Anything you would add that helps with assertive communication and lifestyle development?