I think far too often people forget that we directly control the expectations of others. Put yourself back in the driver's seat and take extreme ownership of that.
1/ When my daughters (early 20s) act spoiled or rude and I call them on it, they say, “You raised me. Too late to complain now.” OUCH. I need a good comeback.
2/ I saw a sign, “Watch the energy you bring into this space, for I will match it & send it back.” (Sort of a parallel to your point.)
Learning not to get taken advantage of has been the hardest thing for me. Thank you for this perspective (and to your wife for giving rise to it!).
Thanks, Amanda! I still struggle with this, to be honest, but I’ve gotten about 100x better at it over the years. I used to have no idea how to say no. Now I feel confident in doing it.
This is Gold! The lowest common denominator here is simply saying "no". And THEN re-purposing the life we're meant to live, whatever that looks like - with the realization that there is no need to justify any of it to anyone. We choose because we had a choice - full stop.
Thank you for sharing this, it’s a great piece. One thing that comes to mind is how people-pleasing can go back to a deep, unconscious habit of abandoning ourselves. Often, this behavior develops in childhood to protect us from criticism, by hiding who we truly are.
But if we don’t show up as our authentic selves, how can we expect others to truly see us? There are deep-rooted fears behind this, a whole rabbit hole to explore.
Mine was, for sure, rooted in people pleasing. It still is to an extent. For me, it's been all about building systems that make saying no a lot easier.
Saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. This is gold! Thanks, Justin. I am very good about setting boundaries, but am also notoriously very quick to respond to everybody and need to be better about that.
PS - Do your sessions in your paid Unsubscribe membership get recorded? I wanted to watch the one happening today about AI, but will miss it due to some calls.
Yes, it’s true! The worst part is that sometimes we just want to be good, better than we are, by helping others, fooling ourselves in the process… and then we end up having to untrain people that.
Yep. And this doesn’t mean you can’t help people or make exceptions. It’s all about making sure you don’t find yourself overcommitted to things you don’t really like doing.
I know the comment section isn’t meant for long discussions, but this topic is really interesting. Sometimes you don’t even realize that your help is being taken for granted. You make an effort, but the other person either doesn’t appreciate it or sees it differently, thinking you’re just being helpful (exactly as you wrote in your post). And here’s the dilemma for me: how do you avoid coming off as rude? Sure, you can say no to everyone, but you still want to remain helpful.
It’s a great question: I have a “no” template that I’ve put together that I use to say no in a way that people understand, doesn’t hurt their feelings, and doesn’t come across as rude. I rely very heavily on it.
I remember one of my members cancelled his $600 monthly subscription for one to one advice once. I asked him why he cancelled and he said because I wasn't getting on a call with him everyday like I used to.
I explained to him that when he signed up I'd promised him I'd get on a call with him everyday only for the first month by which time his subscription would more than pay for itself (which it did) so I did keep my end of the deal.
He responded by saying to me: You tell others how to treat you by your actions and not your words.
I learned an important lesson that day @Justin Welsh
Key is leverage. At the beginning of your career, corporate or entrepreneurial, you don't have much of a leverage, you have to say yes often (i.e. suck it up). Later you can say "no" more often when you have gained more leverage.
As a recovering people pleaser (very much still a work in progress!), this was a poignant reminder. Such a great lesson to reflect on and keep in mind.
This reminds me of a marriage class I took during my early years of marriage -- my goodness, almost 20 years ago. The husband and wife teaching the course shared how every "yes" is also a "no". Their advice was to exercise caution before saying "yes" to others because that would likely results in you having to say "no" to your spouse in some capacity. That advice has stuck with me over the years and I've done my best to (a) apply it to all aspects of my life and (b) widely share it with others.
I agree with this 100%, however, there are some people I know who regardless that I've said that it is difficult for me to pick up the phone and have long conversations (those whom I know will keep me on the phone for an hour or more), don't want to schedule conversations. They still call at any time. If I do pick up I get "oh I expected it to go directly to your voicemail". I keep repeating myself and ultimately apologizing that I can't pick up the calls. Often times they say that it's OK and they understand and for me to call back when I can. But eventually it comes back to haunt me that I didn't pick up. Some people are incredibly insulted that I won't answer their call. One person said something that ended our friendship. She said she could see I was so much more important and busier than she was and to forget it all together. That was not about me.
Typically many calls aren't crucial or about work and come when I'm in the middle of something, working, or don't have my phone nearby. I've tried to "train" them to set up time to connect but it doesn't work. I've even said "please text me before you're going to call so I can let you know if I can chat". Or "if it's an emergency text me 911". I listen to messages quickly anyway and if it's an emergency I get right back. I know people get excited, want to share news, want to "shoot the shit", but the last thing I want to do is not be able to give them the focus they deserve. I finally had to say that if I pick up the call I may be only able to say "I can't talk now", or, "I only have five minutes". Some people say "OK I'll make this brief and then we can talk at another time" and some people will say "OK fine" and hang up. It's a dilemma.
I wholeheartedly agree with everything you say. Saying this, I feel like it applies mostly when you’re up on a pedestal or have a large following. When you’re starting from the trenches, you have to give more of yourself in order to rise to a point that you can be a NO man…
I think far too often people forget that we directly control the expectations of others. Put yourself back in the driver's seat and take extreme ownership of that.
Great mindset shift Justin. I wrote in a previous post about how one of the most productive 'hacks' you can follow is simply being able to say 'no'.
Yep. The day I learned to confidently say no, was the day I freed myself up for so much more time.
Good stuff. Makes me think of 2 things:
1/ When my daughters (early 20s) act spoiled or rude and I call them on it, they say, “You raised me. Too late to complain now.” OUCH. I need a good comeback.
2/ I saw a sign, “Watch the energy you bring into this space, for I will match it & send it back.” (Sort of a parallel to your point.)
Learning not to get taken advantage of has been the hardest thing for me. Thank you for this perspective (and to your wife for giving rise to it!).
Cheer- 💌
Thanks, Amanda! I still struggle with this, to be honest, but I’ve gotten about 100x better at it over the years. I used to have no idea how to say no. Now I feel confident in doing it.
This is Gold! The lowest common denominator here is simply saying "no". And THEN re-purposing the life we're meant to live, whatever that looks like - with the realization that there is no need to justify any of it to anyone. We choose because we had a choice - full stop.
That’s right. We don’t need to justify. We just need to feel firm and confident in our choices.
Thank you for sharing this, it’s a great piece. One thing that comes to mind is how people-pleasing can go back to a deep, unconscious habit of abandoning ourselves. Often, this behavior develops in childhood to protect us from criticism, by hiding who we truly are.
But if we don’t show up as our authentic selves, how can we expect others to truly see us? There are deep-rooted fears behind this, a whole rabbit hole to explore.
Mine was, for sure, rooted in people pleasing. It still is to an extent. For me, it's been all about building systems that make saying no a lot easier.
Saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. This is gold! Thanks, Justin. I am very good about setting boundaries, but am also notoriously very quick to respond to everybody and need to be better about that.
PS - Do your sessions in your paid Unsubscribe membership get recorded? I wanted to watch the one happening today about AI, but will miss it due to some calls.
Always recorded and available on the homepage under “previous workshops”
Some of my best learning has come from my smart and beautiful wife in one or two sentences.
Yes, it’s true! The worst part is that sometimes we just want to be good, better than we are, by helping others, fooling ourselves in the process… and then we end up having to untrain people that.
Yep. And this doesn’t mean you can’t help people or make exceptions. It’s all about making sure you don’t find yourself overcommitted to things you don’t really like doing.
I know the comment section isn’t meant for long discussions, but this topic is really interesting. Sometimes you don’t even realize that your help is being taken for granted. You make an effort, but the other person either doesn’t appreciate it or sees it differently, thinking you’re just being helpful (exactly as you wrote in your post). And here’s the dilemma for me: how do you avoid coming off as rude? Sure, you can say no to everyone, but you still want to remain helpful.
It’s a great question: I have a “no” template that I’ve put together that I use to say no in a way that people understand, doesn’t hurt their feelings, and doesn’t come across as rude. I rely very heavily on it.
Oh, right! I saw this one either on your LinkedIn or in the LinkedIn OS course/ Newsletter!
What Jennifer said to you stung but was so true.
I remember one of my members cancelled his $600 monthly subscription for one to one advice once. I asked him why he cancelled and he said because I wasn't getting on a call with him everyday like I used to.
I explained to him that when he signed up I'd promised him I'd get on a call with him everyday only for the first month by which time his subscription would more than pay for itself (which it did) so I did keep my end of the deal.
He responded by saying to me: You tell others how to treat you by your actions and not your words.
I learned an important lesson that day @Justin Welsh
A good lesson learned!
Absolutely. The painful lessons are often the best ones.
I've doubled my prices since then and I focus on value delivered not hours.
Key is leverage. At the beginning of your career, corporate or entrepreneurial, you don't have much of a leverage, you have to say yes often (i.e. suck it up). Later you can say "no" more often when you have gained more leverage.
As a recovering people pleaser (very much still a work in progress!), this was a poignant reminder. Such a great lesson to reflect on and keep in mind.
Being assertive and setting clear boundaries has been a huge struggle for me.
Here are some resources that have helped:
-set boundaries, find peace (book)
-Start with no (book)
-Writing out my ideal schedule (activity)
Anything you would add that helps with assertive communication and lifestyle development?
A-MEN TO THIS!!!
This reminds me of a marriage class I took during my early years of marriage -- my goodness, almost 20 years ago. The husband and wife teaching the course shared how every "yes" is also a "no". Their advice was to exercise caution before saying "yes" to others because that would likely results in you having to say "no" to your spouse in some capacity. That advice has stuck with me over the years and I've done my best to (a) apply it to all aspects of my life and (b) widely share it with others.
Great post yet again, Justin!
Absolutely loved this post!!! Thank you thank you for writing it!
I agree with this 100%, however, there are some people I know who regardless that I've said that it is difficult for me to pick up the phone and have long conversations (those whom I know will keep me on the phone for an hour or more), don't want to schedule conversations. They still call at any time. If I do pick up I get "oh I expected it to go directly to your voicemail". I keep repeating myself and ultimately apologizing that I can't pick up the calls. Often times they say that it's OK and they understand and for me to call back when I can. But eventually it comes back to haunt me that I didn't pick up. Some people are incredibly insulted that I won't answer their call. One person said something that ended our friendship. She said she could see I was so much more important and busier than she was and to forget it all together. That was not about me.
Typically many calls aren't crucial or about work and come when I'm in the middle of something, working, or don't have my phone nearby. I've tried to "train" them to set up time to connect but it doesn't work. I've even said "please text me before you're going to call so I can let you know if I can chat". Or "if it's an emergency text me 911". I listen to messages quickly anyway and if it's an emergency I get right back. I know people get excited, want to share news, want to "shoot the shit", but the last thing I want to do is not be able to give them the focus they deserve. I finally had to say that if I pick up the call I may be only able to say "I can't talk now", or, "I only have five minutes". Some people say "OK I'll make this brief and then we can talk at another time" and some people will say "OK fine" and hang up. It's a dilemma.
I wholeheartedly agree with everything you say. Saying this, I feel like it applies mostly when you’re up on a pedestal or have a large following. When you’re starting from the trenches, you have to give more of yourself in order to rise to a point that you can be a NO man…