As a British 🇬🇧 Psychiatrist, I see people chasing likes and validation more and more. It’s a never ending cycle of self- abandonment and people pleasing. I’d suggest chasing the approval of your future self instead.
If I’m being honest, I think the person im trying to prove myself to is my past self. The version of me that had $40k in debt, zero emotional intelligence, and only worked in shadow careers because I was afraid to pursue my dream of writing. But now I’m debt free with money in savings, I invest in my emotional health and the people in my life, and I’m an independent writer making enough to live on. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to prove myself to that past version of me and instead start celebrating myself, like, “Look! We did it! We’re doing it every day!”
The funny thing is that when I've decided exactly that today and felt enormous relief, I got the notification about the article. You captured exactly what I was thinking.
Sorry I meant how did you know I was still battling the ghosts of middle school rejection. Ha! I can only imagine what standing on a hometown stage would dredge up!
As a psychiatrist with 30+ year experience - the comparison game is deadly. Bright, curious young people seek social media likes, yet don't pause long enough to consider their own worth. Thanks
As a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, I see this “need to prove” come up often, not only in high achievers, but also in those quietly burning out from trying to be enough in every role they carry. It’s deeply rooted in early experiences of conditional worth: the sense that achievement is the currency for belonging. What I appreciate here is the reminder that dropping the performance doesn’t mean losing ambition, it means reclaiming it from fear and realigning it with integrity. Beautifully said.
We were all conditioned to behave like that since we were kids. Competing on grades, competing on events and even competing on status. Eventually things snowball into stuff we are desperately working hard to get....Who got the biggest home? The flashiest cars? The best stuff money can buy.....People equate success with Who has more stuff, money, followers, clout etc . However, none of it matters when it doesn't give you any happiness. I have seen spouses of such people keep pushing them to maintain their status no matter the cost, which eventually make them do unethical stuff which they regret later. I am not saying that feedback doesn't matter, but I believe we all need to find our own tribe, and just the right kind of people who can back us up with the right advice when we are going wrong and help when we need it for our products and services.
Rest everything is noise, like you have said in your previous essays too. If a man has a good spouse they can trust, a good mission which they believe in and a good circle or tribe who are there no matter what happens , rest everything else doesn't really matter.
I have a distant school friend who is a big shot lawyer , chauffeured in luxurious cars and he charges a lot for even one visit to the court for his client cases, however he weighs more than 400 pounds and has habits that won't help him down the line. Sadly nobody really tell him that, because he associates himself with people who care for what output he produces, but he doesn't really have people which help him work on his life. He is divorced thrice and even though he has never said that aloud, I can imagine the stress and sh*t that goes on in his daily life which further promotes the negative habits spiral in his life....Always running and never thinking about why he is doing what he is doing.
This hit hard and close to home. I am definitely still trying to prove myself to all those BigLaw partners who never ended up letting me into their “club.” It’s a tough one to break. It helps me to remember I am now playing in an entirely different—and higher—universe. Thanks for the Monday mojo- 💌
Amanda, I did BigLaw too and completely understand your experience and how hard that is to break. Kudos to you for playing in a different universe with your own definition of success.
"They follow their curiosity and do good work because doing good work is who they are. Not because it impresses others." Love this, when we do things from an intrinsic drive it makes it 10x more meaningful
The body and mind communicate with each other, and enthusiasm can be sensed from a distance, unlike attempts to please or to prove. Some of the best craftsmen I know do their work quietly and let the work and word of mouth speak for itself.
Traditionally, if someone asked what you do and, for example, you were a chef, you might say, "I'm a chef; I invite you to my restaurant tomorrow to taste what I create" — less talk, more showing; what you truly are goes beyond words.
How many of us are in a position to respond to someone who asks what we do by inviting them to a place where they can experience for themselves who we are, rather than what we try to prove we are?
This is a topic I've been looking at quite a bit, also looking at human nature itself. If we look at humans, usually they are somewhat hard-wired with the desire to be seen, to be validated to some degree. And in a certain way you could say that this is healthy.
However, this can also be unhealthy: If there are wounds, internal wounds, inflicted during childhood from negligence or mistreatment, then one may carry those wounds throughout the rest of their life. So the result is that they do not have any inherent feeling of self-worth. So instead of having a healthy sense of self and individuality, they try to over-compensate with achievements, or trying to impress others, or other detrimental behaviors.
So the key question one needs to find out for themselves is if one is able to have the sense of unconditional self-worth/love inside. I've struggled with this myself for a large part of my life, so I'm speaking from experience. But it can be healed. This is the good news. But the first step is realizing that one might suffer from that, and anyone might suffer from that to different degrees, as everyone walks their own path. Also the healing journey will be unique to each one. This is a deep rabbit hole but I usually like to go to the root cause of such things.
You create your own scoreboard whether you realise it or not. So you may as well design the shit out of it yourself. Instead of chasing likes out here - start chasing them in the mirror - that person will take you where you want to go
As a British 🇬🇧 Psychiatrist, I see people chasing likes and validation more and more. It’s a never ending cycle of self- abandonment and people pleasing. I’d suggest chasing the approval of your future self instead.
I love that last line, Dr. Anney.
The scoreboard isn’t real. Once you realize that, the game changes.
It’s true, David.
If I’m being honest, I think the person im trying to prove myself to is my past self. The version of me that had $40k in debt, zero emotional intelligence, and only worked in shadow careers because I was afraid to pursue my dream of writing. But now I’m debt free with money in savings, I invest in my emotional health and the people in my life, and I’m an independent writer making enough to live on. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to prove myself to that past version of me and instead start celebrating myself, like, “Look! We did it! We’re doing it every day!”
The funny thing is that when I've decided exactly that today and felt enormous relief, I got the notification about the article. You captured exactly what I was thinking.
Thanks, Joanna!
Performing for the ghosts of middle school. Ouch. How did you know?
I think the reality hit because I was standing on stage in my hometown. Something about the proximity to my past…
Sorry I meant how did you know I was still battling the ghosts of middle school rejection. Ha! I can only imagine what standing on a hometown stage would dredge up!
As a psychiatrist with 30+ year experience - the comparison game is deadly. Bright, curious young people seek social media likes, yet don't pause long enough to consider their own worth. Thanks
I think that’s likely true, Barry. Thanks for the comment, much appreciated.
As a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, I see this “need to prove” come up often, not only in high achievers, but also in those quietly burning out from trying to be enough in every role they carry. It’s deeply rooted in early experiences of conditional worth: the sense that achievement is the currency for belonging. What I appreciate here is the reminder that dropping the performance doesn’t mean losing ambition, it means reclaiming it from fear and realigning it with integrity. Beautifully said.
The operative words being "conditional" and "realigning" - well said
We were all conditioned to behave like that since we were kids. Competing on grades, competing on events and even competing on status. Eventually things snowball into stuff we are desperately working hard to get....Who got the biggest home? The flashiest cars? The best stuff money can buy.....People equate success with Who has more stuff, money, followers, clout etc . However, none of it matters when it doesn't give you any happiness. I have seen spouses of such people keep pushing them to maintain their status no matter the cost, which eventually make them do unethical stuff which they regret later. I am not saying that feedback doesn't matter, but I believe we all need to find our own tribe, and just the right kind of people who can back us up with the right advice when we are going wrong and help when we need it for our products and services.
Rest everything is noise, like you have said in your previous essays too. If a man has a good spouse they can trust, a good mission which they believe in and a good circle or tribe who are there no matter what happens , rest everything else doesn't really matter.
I have a distant school friend who is a big shot lawyer , chauffeured in luxurious cars and he charges a lot for even one visit to the court for his client cases, however he weighs more than 400 pounds and has habits that won't help him down the line. Sadly nobody really tell him that, because he associates himself with people who care for what output he produces, but he doesn't really have people which help him work on his life. He is divorced thrice and even though he has never said that aloud, I can imagine the stress and sh*t that goes on in his daily life which further promotes the negative habits spiral in his life....Always running and never thinking about why he is doing what he is doing.
This hit hard and close to home. I am definitely still trying to prove myself to all those BigLaw partners who never ended up letting me into their “club.” It’s a tough one to break. It helps me to remember I am now playing in an entirely different—and higher—universe. Thanks for the Monday mojo- 💌
Amanda, I did BigLaw too and completely understand your experience and how hard that is to break. Kudos to you for playing in a different universe with your own definition of success.
the only reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.
"They follow their curiosity and do good work because doing good work is who they are. Not because it impresses others." Love this, when we do things from an intrinsic drive it makes it 10x more meaningful
"The audience comes last..." -Rick Rubin
Great post man. Well said.
The body and mind communicate with each other, and enthusiasm can be sensed from a distance, unlike attempts to please or to prove. Some of the best craftsmen I know do their work quietly and let the work and word of mouth speak for itself.
Traditionally, if someone asked what you do and, for example, you were a chef, you might say, "I'm a chef; I invite you to my restaurant tomorrow to taste what I create" — less talk, more showing; what you truly are goes beyond words.
How many of us are in a position to respond to someone who asks what we do by inviting them to a place where they can experience for themselves who we are, rather than what we try to prove we are?
Re-framing what you "do", with who you are....
This is a topic I've been looking at quite a bit, also looking at human nature itself. If we look at humans, usually they are somewhat hard-wired with the desire to be seen, to be validated to some degree. And in a certain way you could say that this is healthy.
However, this can also be unhealthy: If there are wounds, internal wounds, inflicted during childhood from negligence or mistreatment, then one may carry those wounds throughout the rest of their life. So the result is that they do not have any inherent feeling of self-worth. So instead of having a healthy sense of self and individuality, they try to over-compensate with achievements, or trying to impress others, or other detrimental behaviors.
So the key question one needs to find out for themselves is if one is able to have the sense of unconditional self-worth/love inside. I've struggled with this myself for a large part of my life, so I'm speaking from experience. But it can be healed. This is the good news. But the first step is realizing that one might suffer from that, and anyone might suffer from that to different degrees, as everyone walks their own path. Also the healing journey will be unique to each one. This is a deep rabbit hole but I usually like to go to the root cause of such things.
You create your own scoreboard whether you realise it or not. So you may as well design the shit out of it yourself. Instead of chasing likes out here - start chasing them in the mirror - that person will take you where you want to go
Strive to impress yourself!