Gratitude is a feeling, not an obligation. It’s not a performance you’re supposed to put on to prove you’re not selfish or entitled or broken. But, still, we perform.
Well said. Gratitude should come naturally and not be forced. It's about seeing things as they are, appreciating the present, and acknowledging the human desire for growth and change.
When I look at my life your words hit home like a sledgehammer. You wrote "The same people who tell you to be grateful for your life and work are often the ones who’ve never actually taken a real risk. The folks preaching gratitude for your “comfortable situation” are usually the ones most afraid of change.
They need you to stay grateful because your dissatisfaction threatens their choices.
Maybe it’s time to stop performing for them.
And give yourself permission to be a bit ungrateful." Exactly! Thanks Justin.
Justin, understanding how an Enneagram 5 operates at this point in my life really explains a lot about my career choices. Powerful stuff, your writing aligns with that perfectly.
From a religious point of view (I am Muslim as my name shows), Gratitude is portrayed as a virtue. I assume it is the case in other religions as well.
However, in the business/industry world, I think the word Gratitude is one of the most mean, soul-crushing, manipulative terms industrialists and capitalists use to keep employees in check — in other words, to keep the “cog” in the machine spinning with minimal noise.
I love this one, Justin. Someone pushed back on my newsletter yesterday. “Why do we need to fake it for our boss’s benefit?,” she asked. (My newsletter was about savvy inauthenticity.) You are giving her permission to stop faking gratitude. I’m forwarding this right to her.
I always feel like the extreme gratitude peddlers are mostly virtue signalling. "I'm so grateful about how great I have become."
It goes hand in hand with the mandatory self-deprecation that success so often seems to inspire. "I know I'm great, but I'm also very flawed and humble."
And there is a nice dose of cynicism on this Thursday!
Always know I'm grateful for your great content ;)
I love your article! It also happens to be the first piece of your writing I ever read besides the "the unsubscribed" domain. Seeming ungratefulness as a prerequisite for courage and candor. A necessity of narcissist regulation for receiving empaths. Most cases of healthy teenage narcissism are marked by being called Ungrateful by previous generations. But that’s how you go for the life you want. Some people never do it. Some keep doing it. Thank you.
You've hit on something crucial here—it really is about balance. We need gratitude to avoid sliding into despair, but forced gratitude becomes a trap that prevents us from moving forward. You called it really nice with “time to stop performing for them.”
What strikes me most is how this connects to the broader erosion of authenticity you're describing. We're living in an age where everyone claims to champion “being authentic,” yet we're simultaneously pressured to perform positivity and gratitude regardless of our actual circumstances. Before I left, the company started banning the word “experiment” because it might undermine confidence; it is precisely the kind of forced optimism that prevents honest assessment and real progress.
True gratitude, at least for me, emerges from contrast—from acknowledging that not everything is under my control, but also that I have to consciously attend to things that need change or even those that are working nicely. And I am most grateful when there is also somebody else who joins such efforts.
F.Scott Fitzgerald said, "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function .”
What comes up for me is the inability by many to do the same when leveraging guilt and shame under the trapping of "gratitude."
You can be grateful for your job and not like it.
You can be grateful for your success and want more.
You can be grateful for "x" and still want "y."
To your point, a little more curiosity and a little less judgement might benefit anyone who feels the need to play the "gratitude card."
And they'd be well served to get curious about why they feel. the need for you to demonstrate more gratitude for them...
The funny thing is that trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results seems all too common. And it is insanity. Yet I’ve done it in so many areas. I appreciate your post to show a path to maybe something better.
I struggle a bit with this article. There's nothing wrong with (authentic) gratitude - or the "three good things" exercise. It can be tremendous helpful in tough times.
But forced, insincere or performative gratitude is probably just toxic, as with most inauthentic behaviour.
This really resonated with me. My wife and I attended a marriage seminar a few years ago where one session focused on Spousal Gratitude. The speaker introduced different “types” of gratitude, including something she called performative gratitude -- when we feel obligated to signal appreciation even if it’s not genuine.
Your essay reminded me that true gratitude should never silence honest dissatisfaction. Forced gratitude can trap us in unhealthy situations -- whether that’s a job, a relationship, or a season of life. Sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is admit, “I’m not okay,” and take steps toward change.
One other thought: I think many people conflate gratitude with contentment, but I don't see them as being the same. In my simple mind, gratitude is an "appreciation" for what we have, while contentment is "being satisfied" with what we have. Bottom line, I believe you can be grateful, but still want something different (e.g., something better).
Thanks for sparking this conversation. I think it’s a really important one.
Well said. Gratitude should come naturally and not be forced. It's about seeing things as they are, appreciating the present, and acknowledging the human desire for growth and change.
When I look at my life your words hit home like a sledgehammer. You wrote "The same people who tell you to be grateful for your life and work are often the ones who’ve never actually taken a real risk. The folks preaching gratitude for your “comfortable situation” are usually the ones most afraid of change.
They need you to stay grateful because your dissatisfaction threatens their choices.
Maybe it’s time to stop performing for them.
And give yourself permission to be a bit ungrateful." Exactly! Thanks Justin.
Thanks for reading, David. I appreciate it!
Justin, understanding how an Enneagram 5 operates at this point in my life really explains a lot about my career choices. Powerful stuff, your writing aligns with that perfectly.
Cannot agree more.
From a religious point of view (I am Muslim as my name shows), Gratitude is portrayed as a virtue. I assume it is the case in other religions as well.
However, in the business/industry world, I think the word Gratitude is one of the most mean, soul-crushing, manipulative terms industrialists and capitalists use to keep employees in check — in other words, to keep the “cog” in the machine spinning with minimal noise.
You have one more like ans share
Thanks, man. Great comment.
I struggled writing this comment, because "being grateful" is something that has been repeated to me all my life.
But being grateful for everything all of the time can lead really quickly to conformity, to thinking "this is enough" when it's definitely not enough.
This fits super-well with your unsubscribe narrative. We should really unsubscribe from letting other people transfer us their own limitations.
Thank you for writing this :)
The other aspect of moving away from the need to be grateful is finding out who really supports you.
I love this one, Justin. Someone pushed back on my newsletter yesterday. “Why do we need to fake it for our boss’s benefit?,” she asked. (My newsletter was about savvy inauthenticity.) You are giving her permission to stop faking gratitude. I’m forwarding this right to her.
Ha. Thanks, Jenny :)
I always feel like the extreme gratitude peddlers are mostly virtue signalling. "I'm so grateful about how great I have become."
It goes hand in hand with the mandatory self-deprecation that success so often seems to inspire. "I know I'm great, but I'm also very flawed and humble."
And there is a nice dose of cynicism on this Thursday!
Always know I'm grateful for your great content ;)
Haha. Sorry for being cynical. It’s not my usual cup of tea :)
Sorry, my "cynicism" comment was directed at my own post!
I love your article! It also happens to be the first piece of your writing I ever read besides the "the unsubscribed" domain. Seeming ungratefulness as a prerequisite for courage and candor. A necessity of narcissist regulation for receiving empaths. Most cases of healthy teenage narcissism are marked by being called Ungrateful by previous generations. But that’s how you go for the life you want. Some people never do it. Some keep doing it. Thank you.
You've hit on something crucial here—it really is about balance. We need gratitude to avoid sliding into despair, but forced gratitude becomes a trap that prevents us from moving forward. You called it really nice with “time to stop performing for them.”
What strikes me most is how this connects to the broader erosion of authenticity you're describing. We're living in an age where everyone claims to champion “being authentic,” yet we're simultaneously pressured to perform positivity and gratitude regardless of our actual circumstances. Before I left, the company started banning the word “experiment” because it might undermine confidence; it is precisely the kind of forced optimism that prevents honest assessment and real progress.
True gratitude, at least for me, emerges from contrast—from acknowledging that not everything is under my control, but also that I have to consciously attend to things that need change or even those that are working nicely. And I am most grateful when there is also somebody else who joins such efforts.
F.Scott Fitzgerald said, "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function .”
What comes up for me is the inability by many to do the same when leveraging guilt and shame under the trapping of "gratitude."
You can be grateful for your job and not like it.
You can be grateful for your success and want more.
You can be grateful for "x" and still want "y."
To your point, a little more curiosity and a little less judgement might benefit anyone who feels the need to play the "gratitude card."
And they'd be well served to get curious about why they feel. the need for you to demonstrate more gratitude for them...
because it's all about them (not you).
Awesome piece, Justin.
Thank you! Agreed
Gratitude doesn't mean you can't desire for more.
If only, it means you shouldn't take what you already have, for granted.
Because indeed, many would kill to have a life like yours.
The funny thing is that trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results seems all too common. And it is insanity. Yet I’ve done it in so many areas. I appreciate your post to show a path to maybe something better.
True — sometimes “be grateful” is just code for “don’t outgrow me. Brilliantly said, Justin.
I struggle a bit with this article. There's nothing wrong with (authentic) gratitude - or the "three good things" exercise. It can be tremendous helpful in tough times.
But forced, insincere or performative gratitude is probably just toxic, as with most inauthentic behaviour.
This really resonated with me. My wife and I attended a marriage seminar a few years ago where one session focused on Spousal Gratitude. The speaker introduced different “types” of gratitude, including something she called performative gratitude -- when we feel obligated to signal appreciation even if it’s not genuine.
Your essay reminded me that true gratitude should never silence honest dissatisfaction. Forced gratitude can trap us in unhealthy situations -- whether that’s a job, a relationship, or a season of life. Sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is admit, “I’m not okay,” and take steps toward change.
One other thought: I think many people conflate gratitude with contentment, but I don't see them as being the same. In my simple mind, gratitude is an "appreciation" for what we have, while contentment is "being satisfied" with what we have. Bottom line, I believe you can be grateful, but still want something different (e.g., something better).
Thanks for sparking this conversation. I think it’s a really important one.