Gratitude is a feeling, not an obligation. It’s not a performance you’re supposed to put on to prove you’re not selfish or entitled or broken. But, still, we perform.
Well said. Gratitude should come naturally and not be forced. It's about seeing things as they are, appreciating the present, and acknowledging the human desire for growth and change.
When I look at my life your words hit home like a sledgehammer. You wrote "The same people who tell you to be grateful for your life and work are often the ones who’ve never actually taken a real risk. The folks preaching gratitude for your “comfortable situation” are usually the ones most afraid of change.
They need you to stay grateful because your dissatisfaction threatens their choices.
Maybe it’s time to stop performing for them.
And give yourself permission to be a bit ungrateful." Exactly! Thanks Justin.
Justin, understanding how an Enneagram 5 operates at this point in my life really explains a lot about my career choices. Powerful stuff, your writing aligns with that perfectly.
From a religious point of view (I am Muslim as my name shows), Gratitude is portrayed as a virtue. I assume it is the case in other religions as well.
However, in the business/industry world, I think the word Gratitude is one of the most mean, soul-crushing, manipulative terms industrialists and capitalists use to keep employees in check — in other words, to keep the “cog” in the machine spinning with minimal noise.
I love this one, Justin. Someone pushed back on my newsletter yesterday. “Why do we need to fake it for our boss’s benefit?,” she asked. (My newsletter was about savvy inauthenticity.) You are giving her permission to stop faking gratitude. I’m forwarding this right to her.
I always feel like the extreme gratitude peddlers are mostly virtue signalling. "I'm so grateful about how great I have become."
It goes hand in hand with the mandatory self-deprecation that success so often seems to inspire. "I know I'm great, but I'm also very flawed and humble."
And there is a nice dose of cynicism on this Thursday!
Always know I'm grateful for your great content ;)
I love your article! It also happens to be the first piece of your writing I ever read besides the "the unsubscribed" domain. Seeming ungratefulness as a prerequisite for courage and candor. A necessity of narcissist regulation for receiving empaths. Most cases of healthy teenage narcissism are marked by being called Ungrateful by previous generations. But that’s how you go for the life you want. Some people never do it. Some keep doing it. Thank you.
You've hit on something crucial here—it really is about balance. We need gratitude to avoid sliding into despair, but forced gratitude becomes a trap that prevents us from moving forward. You called it really nice with “time to stop performing for them.”
What strikes me most is how this connects to the broader erosion of authenticity you're describing. We're living in an age where everyone claims to champion “being authentic,” yet we're simultaneously pressured to perform positivity and gratitude regardless of our actual circumstances. Before I left, the company started banning the word “experiment” because it might undermine confidence; it is precisely the kind of forced optimism that prevents honest assessment and real progress.
True gratitude, at least for me, emerges from contrast—from acknowledging that not everything is under my control, but also that I have to consciously attend to things that need change or even those that are working nicely. And I am most grateful when there is also somebody else who joins such efforts.
Lately I have come across something that really hit me.
Those who are successful speak a different language compared to those who are stuck in this gratefulness spiral.
My personal view is that our education systems, governments, central banks all point towards us being passive consumers and not producers.
The only way out is to unlearn all this and speak a new language.
Being grateful is great but building our own self-determination is greater.
What is holding us back? Fear of embarking on our own self-discovery journey. It is painful but worth the self-esteem we will gain.
Have you noticed the raw language spoken by those who are really successful? They are much quicker at pivoting, much quicker at making decision and they understand the difference between knowedge (we all have access to it..) and true intelligence.
Knowledge is not intelligence. Intelligence is about using knowledge to create a positive outcome.
Gave me a lot to think about. Genuine gratitude. 🙏🏻 Most of the gratitude I even say is bullshit and I know it.
I’m not grateful for stress life throws at you, but I’m grateful for the outcome of working through it and being on the other side and how it feels.
I’m grateful for having three amazing kids, and also it’s a fuckload of work I am not grateful for most days in the grind.
I’m grateful for the work that pays my bills, but not grateful it means I have to give up my free time, which I cherish. And I have projects that are extraordinary and life giving, but it’s all still time.
So I’m not sure what to do with those ones, but I’m going to journal about ungratitude this morning and see what comes up.
I'm not sure I completely agree—I believe that there are bits of beauty to be found in all things, but I can share this sentiment. Gratitude should be an innate feeling, not something manufactured because it's the "right" thing to do. But, sometimes it is worth seeking even when it seems strained.
Personally, I try to find small things within what I know isn't working to appreciate. I don't lose sight of what I want to improve or change, but I attempt to make peace with what is.
I walked away from a high paying government job due to the exact same reason. Even though every aspect of my life was taken care of, the emptiness inside me spoke louder than words. I did this two times. Worked in corporate since last three years and finally have found the way to break off into something of my own. It's liberating....I can go anywhere I want to, I can do anything I want. Sure discipline is needed in your chosen fields but you get to choose that field and it is not handed over to you by chance.
Well said. Gratitude should come naturally and not be forced. It's about seeing things as they are, appreciating the present, and acknowledging the human desire for growth and change.
When I look at my life your words hit home like a sledgehammer. You wrote "The same people who tell you to be grateful for your life and work are often the ones who’ve never actually taken a real risk. The folks preaching gratitude for your “comfortable situation” are usually the ones most afraid of change.
They need you to stay grateful because your dissatisfaction threatens their choices.
Maybe it’s time to stop performing for them.
And give yourself permission to be a bit ungrateful." Exactly! Thanks Justin.
Thanks for reading, David. I appreciate it!
Justin, understanding how an Enneagram 5 operates at this point in my life really explains a lot about my career choices. Powerful stuff, your writing aligns with that perfectly.
Cannot agree more.
From a religious point of view (I am Muslim as my name shows), Gratitude is portrayed as a virtue. I assume it is the case in other religions as well.
However, in the business/industry world, I think the word Gratitude is one of the most mean, soul-crushing, manipulative terms industrialists and capitalists use to keep employees in check — in other words, to keep the “cog” in the machine spinning with minimal noise.
You have one more like and share
Thanks, man. Great comment.
I struggled writing this comment, because "being grateful" is something that has been repeated to me all my life.
But being grateful for everything all of the time can lead really quickly to conformity, to thinking "this is enough" when it's definitely not enough.
This fits super-well with your unsubscribe narrative. We should really unsubscribe from letting other people transfer us their own limitations.
Thank you for writing this :)
The other aspect of moving away from the need to be grateful is finding out who really supports you.
I love this one, Justin. Someone pushed back on my newsletter yesterday. “Why do we need to fake it for our boss’s benefit?,” she asked. (My newsletter was about savvy inauthenticity.) You are giving her permission to stop faking gratitude. I’m forwarding this right to her.
Ha. Thanks, Jenny :)
I always feel like the extreme gratitude peddlers are mostly virtue signalling. "I'm so grateful about how great I have become."
It goes hand in hand with the mandatory self-deprecation that success so often seems to inspire. "I know I'm great, but I'm also very flawed and humble."
And there is a nice dose of cynicism on this Thursday!
Always know I'm grateful for your great content ;)
Haha. Sorry for being cynical. It’s not my usual cup of tea :)
Sorry, my "cynicism" comment was directed at my own post!
I love your article! It also happens to be the first piece of your writing I ever read besides the "the unsubscribed" domain. Seeming ungratefulness as a prerequisite for courage and candor. A necessity of narcissist regulation for receiving empaths. Most cases of healthy teenage narcissism are marked by being called Ungrateful by previous generations. But that’s how you go for the life you want. Some people never do it. Some keep doing it. Thank you.
You've hit on something crucial here—it really is about balance. We need gratitude to avoid sliding into despair, but forced gratitude becomes a trap that prevents us from moving forward. You called it really nice with “time to stop performing for them.”
What strikes me most is how this connects to the broader erosion of authenticity you're describing. We're living in an age where everyone claims to champion “being authentic,” yet we're simultaneously pressured to perform positivity and gratitude regardless of our actual circumstances. Before I left, the company started banning the word “experiment” because it might undermine confidence; it is precisely the kind of forced optimism that prevents honest assessment and real progress.
True gratitude, at least for me, emerges from contrast—from acknowledging that not everything is under my control, but also that I have to consciously attend to things that need change or even those that are working nicely. And I am most grateful when there is also somebody else who joins such efforts.
Lately I have come across something that really hit me.
Those who are successful speak a different language compared to those who are stuck in this gratefulness spiral.
My personal view is that our education systems, governments, central banks all point towards us being passive consumers and not producers.
The only way out is to unlearn all this and speak a new language.
Being grateful is great but building our own self-determination is greater.
What is holding us back? Fear of embarking on our own self-discovery journey. It is painful but worth the self-esteem we will gain.
Have you noticed the raw language spoken by those who are really successful? They are much quicker at pivoting, much quicker at making decision and they understand the difference between knowedge (we all have access to it..) and true intelligence.
Knowledge is not intelligence. Intelligence is about using knowledge to create a positive outcome.
This has been on my mind lately, but I couldn’t put into words. Thank you.
I always felt being gratitude every time didn't make much sense. After reading this it finally made sense why i was feeling unusual.
Gave me a lot to think about. Genuine gratitude. 🙏🏻 Most of the gratitude I even say is bullshit and I know it.
I’m not grateful for stress life throws at you, but I’m grateful for the outcome of working through it and being on the other side and how it feels.
I’m grateful for having three amazing kids, and also it’s a fuckload of work I am not grateful for most days in the grind.
I’m grateful for the work that pays my bills, but not grateful it means I have to give up my free time, which I cherish. And I have projects that are extraordinary and life giving, but it’s all still time.
So I’m not sure what to do with those ones, but I’m going to journal about ungratitude this morning and see what comes up.
Cool thinking.
I'm not sure I completely agree—I believe that there are bits of beauty to be found in all things, but I can share this sentiment. Gratitude should be an innate feeling, not something manufactured because it's the "right" thing to do. But, sometimes it is worth seeking even when it seems strained.
Personally, I try to find small things within what I know isn't working to appreciate. I don't lose sight of what I want to improve or change, but I attempt to make peace with what is.
I agree. We should invest in the people who invest in us.
I walked away from a high paying government job due to the exact same reason. Even though every aspect of my life was taken care of, the emptiness inside me spoke louder than words. I did this two times. Worked in corporate since last three years and finally have found the way to break off into something of my own. It's liberating....I can go anywhere I want to, I can do anything I want. Sure discipline is needed in your chosen fields but you get to choose that field and it is not handed over to you by chance.