How to say no effectively.
On learning how to protect your time and energy by saying no to things you're not interested in.
Welcome to issue #052 of Unsubscribe. Each week, I send one essay to help you step off the default path and build a life you love, supported by work you enjoy.
A few years ago, I said yes to something I should have said no to.
A company I admire asked me to speak at their event, unpaid, and it required me to travel even though I was behind in my work.
But I said yes because I didn’t want to disappoint them.
Over the next six weeks leading up to the event, I felt angry each time I thought about it. I wasn’t mad at the company for asking me. I was mad at myself for saying yes when I clearly should have said no.
The talk went really well, and I met a lot of great people at the event. But I came home totally exhausted and even further behind on everything. I knew I had to get better at protecting my time and energy.
The problem is that most entrepreneurs are terrible at saying no.
Not because they don’t want to. They just don’t know how to say no without feeling like they’re letting someone down.
So they do one of three things:
They ghost. The request hits their inbox, they feel uncomfortable, and just never respond. The ask sits in their inbox for weeks until it becomes too awkward to reply at all. So the relationship is damaged, and they end up feeling guilty about it.
They over-explain. They write an encyclopedia-length response about how busy they are, how much they wish they could help, and how terrible they feel about declining. The person on the other end reads all that and wonders why you’re giving them all your life’s details.
Or they say yes when they really mean no. They accept things they don’t want to do because saying no feels hard. Then they resent the commitment, half-ass the execution, and damage the relationship anyway.
None of these work. And I know because I’ve tried all three of them.
A good no should do four things.
It should be fast.
It should be warm.
It should be clear.
It should leave the door open (if you mean it).
Fast means you respond quickly when someone asks. I’ve found that the longer you wait, the weirder it gets for everyone. A response in 24 hours feels respectful, but waiting three weeks feels like you were stalling.
Warm means you remember to acknowledge the ask and thank them for thinking of you. Most people skip this and jump straight to sending a rejection. It’s important to recognize that someone paid you a compliment by asking for your time.
Clear means you don’t hedge. You don’t say “maybe” when you mean “no,” and you don’t say “let me think about it” when you mean “no.” Being unclear is not kind. It just delays the disappointment and wastes everyone’s time.
And, lastly, leaving the door open means you give them a path later, but only if you truly mean it. The thing you can’t do today might be the thing you’d love to do in three months. But if not, don’t leave the door open at all.
Here’s the template I use now (feel free to steal it):
Hi [Name],
Thanks for thinking of me for your [ask]. I really appreciate it, and I normally love doing stuff like this.
Unfortunately, I’m at capacity right now, and I’m not booking anything new at the moment. I hope you won’t take this personally. I field a lot of requests, and I have to say no in order to make progress on my projects.
Please feel free to reach out again in 90 days or so, and I might be in a better position to accept.
Again, thanks for thinking of me, and best of luck with the [ask].
Cheers,
Justin
Seven simple sentences that take less than fifteen seconds to customize and send. I used to do it myself, and now my VA does it on my behalf. Easy either way.
I’ve used this template probably 500+ times in the last two years. And not once has someone responded poorly. In fact, most people write back and say something like, “I totally respect that and figured you might be busy.”
We forget that the person asking expects you might say no. That’s a potential outcome, and they’re not going to hate you for it. If they do, that’s a “them” problem, not a “you” problem.
What damages relationships is ghosting, being wishy-washy, or saying yes and then backing out because you should have said no.
A clean no, delivered quickly and warmly, builds trust. It tells the other person that when you do say yes, you’re in 100%.
I still hate saying no. No matter how many times I get asked to do things, it never feels good to disappoint someone.
But I know that protecting my time isn’t selfish. It’s the only way I can show up fully for the things I actually commit to.
So here’s what I’m wondering this week: What’s something you’ve been meaning to say no to but haven’t yet? And what’s stopping you from doing it right now?
Leave a comment and tell me. I read every response.
I appreciate your time.
P.S. This past Monday, I launched something new called The Expert OS.
It’s a free 30-day program where I help you take your expertise, package it into your first offer, and earn your first $1,000 in business revenue. No spending months on stuff that doesn’t matter. You bring the knowledge, and I give you the system, templates, and technology.
Saying no to other people’s requests is important. But it only matters if you’re saying yes to something of your own. If you’ve been sitting on expertise that could be a business, this is the system that will help you get there.
Note: This was built in partnership with Kajabi, so email support@kajabi.com with any issues.
What’s something you’ve been meaning to say no to but haven’t yet? And what’s stopping you from doing it right now?
If you enjoyed this read, the best compliment I could receive would be if you shared it.
Saying no isn't about being disrespectful. It's about protecting your time. It feels weird to say no to someone who asked respectfully, but your goals are more important to you than theirs.
Drawing a line is essential to be able to focus on yourself.
Thanks you Justin. Being able to decline an offer professionally is also essential to protect your relations with other people or corporations. The key is to have a good balance between respect and your priorities.
JOMO is a phrase I love, the Joy Of Missing Out. I practice it rigrously.
In terms of business, the favourite client of an early stage business is "someone who will pay me". The more we can, over time, get highly focussed on exactly who we work with (and nobody else), the better for our business.